I had a really good conversation with a friend recently.

She brought up something I’d said that hurt her. 

You know, a year ago my first response probably would’ve been to tell her that I had been worrying about that since it had come out of my mouth. How I’d literally been thinking about it earlier that day. I would’ve tried to prove that I wasn’t insensitive. 

And that was still one of the first things I told her, but I’m grateful to report that I started with “I’m sorry.” 

Our conversation looped around to a lot of different aspects of our relationship and things that are impacting us both. It was a good conversation.

This is where I’m at right now…

I’d actually failed my friend. Not just in that one comment, but I’d been immature in a couple of different ways. Here’s how I ended up responding to the deeper level of what hurt her:

This is where I’m at right now. It’s not where I want to stay. I’m sorry that I’m not caring for you the way I want to or the way Jesus has called me to. I don’t have a solution for this. But I do love you, and even though I can’t show it to you this way, I’m showing it to you these other ways. 

I used to always have a fix for whenever a friend brought up something to work on. Something like, this is my 12 step plan for never hurting you in this way again and here’s 13 additional reasons that you shouldn’t be mad at me.

At the deepest level, I did this because I was trying to earn love.

Relationships are hard. You do have to work for them. Especially if you want good, deep healthy friendships. But you don’t need to work for love.

Let me say it again: you don’t need to earn love. It’s a lie when anyone says you do.

You don’t need to earn love. It’s a lie when anyone says you do.

Like I shared in a guest post on alliprince.com last week, it’s an easy lie to fall into. A lot of us operate out of this lie (raise your hand if you’re a people-pleaser) and it’s sneaky.

So sneaky subtle that it was showing up in my need to always have a plan to fix it when I apologized. This was part of how my parents taught me to apologize (it’s not a bad method, actually) but somehow it turned sour in my head. I will earn your love by overcoming my faults. I can’t just say sorry and move on, I need to do something more.

And to be able to say what I did–this is who I am and where I’m at right now–without immediately offering to change myself?

It was lifegiving.

To come together as friends and admit our faults and decide to give each other grace without immediate plans to change? Amazing. Breathtaking. Impactful.

I still want to change, but I want to change so that I can love her better, not so that I’m loveable.

Mending & Penance

When Satan shows you how your faults hurt the people around you, you’re weighed down by them. When God shows you how your faults hurt the people around you, he lifts your sights higher than berating yourself. 

Mending and penance aren’t the same thing.

A lot of the time penance just puts more weight and hurt on the other person. To say sorry over and over again. To do crazy things to make it up to them. To get depressed about our mistakes. Those aren’t helpful or mature responses.

We tell ourselves that it’s good to see our faults and to feel bad about them. But if it’s not leading you to positive action, you might need to repent of penance and ask God to show you the light of restoration. 

A lot of the time mending doesn’t require action.

It requires time and patience and consistent caring for the other person. And it’s almost impossible to mend a relationship when you’re trying to earn love.

So it’s time to stop trying.

Take a few minutes to journal this out: am I trying to earn love? It’s worth your time to discover the answer.