When there’s a parade of stupid stuff I’ve said and done, ways I’ve hurt people, and rampant memories of sin dancing across my mental landscape…it’s easy to hate myself.
Or even just a few things about myself.
But as I’ve wrestled with this lately, I realized there’s more to it…something I could never face before.
The real issue
The question, “why am I like this?” isn’t so innocent as it seems.
What I’m really asking is: “why did God make me this way?”
And if I don’t love myself, how could anyone else?
The good part of realizing my real issue is that I can start asking God even more questions, better questions. Questions from a spirit of humility (or even pain) because I hope to believe his truth instead of mine.
And I believe that he will answer. Even though he doesn’t have to (see Job 33:12), he often answers our questions (continue reading the book of Job).
My new question
Now I ask God: “why did you think a Vella was good for the world?”
And: “will you please love me?”
As neat as these words look on a screen, don’t get me wrong, those questions are actually my heart-cry prayers in the middle of the night.
It crops up in different areas…
I often feel this way about interpersonal relationships–when I’m interacting with friends, coworkers, or strangers, I question the way God made me. I’m often embarrassed about who I am.
But it’s not limited to social interactions. It also shows up when I’m managing Fantastical Summer.
I never expected to lead a project like this. On Tuesday, I cried and asked the question again: why me, God?
I feel like literally anyone else could do this better, like I’m messing it up, like I’m not good enough.
Why would you trust ME with this project?
And I still don’t have an answer. Tears are welling in my eyes as I type this. I don’t know “why me.”
But I have to trust my God knows what he’s doing.
Trust He’s true
I have to choose not to wallow in self-hate and replace it with God’s love for myself.
When it physically hurts. When there’s an ache in my chest where my heart is supposed to be. When I can’t breathe freely.
I HAVE to trust God.
We have to believe that God is inherently different than us. The problem with the logic “if I don’t love myself, how could God?” is that it assumes God is like us.
God’s not like me.
His ways are higher than my ways. His thoughts than my thoughts. And he loves me–he says he loves me a million different times in the Bible.
So I’m loveable. End. Of. Story.
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